WHAT IF.....?

I don't have all the answers but, in my opinion, one doesn't have to have all the answers to deduce, from the few that you have, a plan of action. To put it another way, just do what you can with what you have and don't worry about the things over which you have no control. The key word in that sentence is "do." You can't sit around thinking about what if this or that doesn't happen or what if I can't kick my french fry habit, what if, what if, what if. Take back the control you have given to "what if." Do something! You have to take some action to regain that magic your relationship had when you first met. You have to avoid the biggest "what if" of all: the regret of a divorce sprinkled with the thought, "What if I had fought for my marriage?"

Let's take an example. What if your spouse is cheating on you? Instead of spending days, weeks or even months trying to figure out if that is true, perhaps your time would be better spent asking yourself why your spouse would be cheating, developing a plan of action to do something to fix the problem and/or having a serious conversation that may help you guys determine if you are going to continue in the relationship. This does in fact exclude situations where he or she is planning to kill you for your money. With that being said, don't expect perfection from your spouse because no one is perfect, not even you. Everyone makes mistakes. BIG ONES and usually, more than one. No one is above being stupid as hell from time to time, present company included. Second, third or how ever many you want, chances are allowed. It may take many tries to get it right. I often feel that as long as you are working on the problem, the problem is still worth working. You need to remain flexible enough to allow the other person to tell you the truth even though it might hurt your feelings. With each failure, growth is achieved. How can you really know someone if you don't know how much of a "low life" he or she can really be? Bonnie and Clyde may have been the perfect couple. I'm not a genius (although some argue this point), but I have become an expert at knowing that most people's expectations are either too high or too low. When you fall in love, you place that person on a very high pedestal or they place you on one so that when you, he or she falls, and ya'll will, every bone in your little brittle bodies will be broken. Most of us have more skeletons in our closets than the nearest grave yard yet we expect our partner to have lived the life of Mother Teresa. I bet she even had some stuff only she and God knows about. But I won't go there. All you have to determine is if that particular fault (and everyone has at least 10 good ones) is a deal breaker. Let's take my ex for example. I felt that the name calling (I went from being baby doll to dumb bitch) and the constant threats to kill me (his brother was on death row for killing his wife) were a little too real. I yelled out "deal breaker" when he threatened to cut me up in little pieces. This was a problem that was no longer worth working, you think?

Even though cheating has more to do with the other person than you, ask yourself why your spouse would feel the need to seek the attention of another. Are you guilty of any of the following:
Do you question or accuse your spouse of cheating on almost a daily basis? (nobody likes to keep defending a negative especially when it's not true).
Do you mistreat your spouse as if he or she is a snake in the bed with your baby because you feel that they are being unfaithful? (It's a cruel world out there. Who wants to come home to more cruelty...and help pay the bills, I don't think so.)
Do you make your spouse miserable at home because you want him or her to feel as miserable as you do? (And you are surprised that they are out there looking for a place just to have a little peace and quite? Surely not.)
Have you stopped being nice because you feel he or she is not worthy of the "good treatment?" (When I'm treated better, I'll treat him better...that's not the golden rule!)
Do you withhold sex for any reason? (I don't even need to tell you that this is so not a good idea. I'm not sure who came up with this, but I bet you two holes in a donut and a month of sundays that they are now divorced...big time.)
Saying I love you is consided giving in to the other spouse and showing weakness. When was the last time you said I love you? (Saying it to your Mom doesn't count.)
Have you guys quit expressing your love to each other in little ways? (If he asks you to bring him some water back from the kitchen do you spit in it first? Have you quit saying bless you when he or she sneezes?)
Trust me, this list could go on and on. And, it's not just questions you ask yourself. These are questions your spouse should ask you and themselves as well. People cheat and people stop cheating for the same reason...because they want to.

You should take the time to make sure your spouse wants to be in a faithful and committed relationship with you. Don't want anyone who don't want you. If he or she doesn't, then you need to gather the strength to move on or prepare yourself for years of mistreatment. For whatever reason, if you do not fulfill his or her needs sufficiently or vice-versa, either of you may feel the need to look elsewhere to fill that void. Do you you even know what your spouse's needs are? Knowing this would involve daily communication, verbal and nonverbal. You see, needs and/or wants change as we grow up and older. There is no way I need or want today what I needed and/or wanted at the age of 30. And my needs and wants at 30 were very different from when I was 18. Marriage is hard work. A relationship is hard work. The work is getting to know your partner, what he or she needs, what he or she wants, what you each are willing to do to make sure this list is always current and taking action to get it done. Sometimes you just need to go somewhere, sit down and shut-up because your spouse needs quite time. That's kinda my preference. I like peace and quite. Just thought I'd throw that out there. But I digress. If you do not keep the lines of communication open you will certainly be in for a long row to hoe. But communication cannot be just what you want to hear. You need to know how the other person listens, learns, fights, loves. Otherwise, your days, to put it mildly, will be a triffle unhappy. You will worry yourself sick by engaging in a constant battle to bend your spouse's will to satisfy your expectations. Some people may even try to break the other's will. If that works, you may end up with an outstanding warrant for spousal abuse, facing 20 to life in the Texas Department of Corrections and attorney fees in the thousands. At the same time, your spouse will be worrying themselves silly trying to get you to bend to their will. How they do this is never good. By trying to resist them you may still end up with an outstanding warrant for spousal abuse, facing 20 to life in the Texas Department of Corrections and attorney fees in the thousands. This game of "take and take" will go on and on until someone says "enough!" What you can do about it today is to take a serious look at how you guys treat each other and go from there. By doing the hard work now you may help yourself avoid spending years in a marriage that is destined to go nowhere, it may help you save a worthwhile and satisfying relationship, and last but not least, you may avoid that unflattering mug shot. Take action today!!!